I asked for this

I told God, "I'm ready." Give me what is next. I can do it. I'm ready for the fire, to be tempered.

Oy.

Getting promoted was the beginning. Over my head. Learning to ask. Learning to connect with inner authority. Learning to be settled in the midst of others' emotional storms. Learning to put myself out there.

Buying a house to renovate. Learning to relax about decisions and timelines. Learning dollars go where they are put. Learning that home means a place to live not just exist.

Applying to a Ph. D. program.

My husband in the hospital. Listening is the most fundamental act of kindness.Trust but pay attention. Love is service. Surrender.

I forgot how hard it was. I forgot the confusion, the stress, the doubt that comes with being at the base of the mountain. All I remember is how teachers and help got me here. And though this peak is higher, the terrain more difficult, I have more tools and better equipment this time. Most importantly I know it can be done. I think.

And so I bow my head. I do not have the answers. Thankfully, I have teachers and am learning to ask for help. Mostly, I'm grateful for grace. For forgiveness. The soft pillow of it is the answer to the trust game. If you fall, it will be fine.

Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. 'Doing it' - taking action - is the name of this mountain. Trust and act. The very idea makes my breath catch. Apparently I'm not there yet. 

His and Hers: Breakfast

L: Hash browns, sausage & fried farm eggs
R: Cantelope, cucumber, flax seed

Radical Becoming

Blowing up beaver dams

Disempowerment leaves gaping holes. Ego restores balance by swooping in to fill the holes with beaver dam blockages, controlling the flow.

Blow up the dams, restore power and feel the energy flow.

We are meant to be Cities of Light, not the child with a finger in the levee. Electricians keeping our glow going, that's what we are. Perhaps I should like more about the giant inner power strip than the inner fountain of living water.

In fact, all this focus on water may have helped as much as the beaver dam, given how well water and electricity get along.

Speed bump

I may have been  driving too fast. Suddenly the road doesn't seem as smooth. It is curvy, dusty, pitted and I have to slow the heck down.

Except I don't want to. I want to be girl wonder catapulting my way to greatness. I knew this was coming, this stage of effort and mistakes and learning by doing. But I am slowed. I am less. I feel a disappointment.

Lists

Others describe me as a list person. For me, lists are acts of fear. If I don't write it down for future Cory, she might not know. She might find herself without toothpaste in the morning, clean gym clothes or maybe, just maybe, friends and family who love her.

I tried the 100 things in 1000 days list and it proved that for me, lists are slices of perspective in snaps in time. Proof that we can never, ever guess what is best, least of all what we want. How dare I presume what future Cory might want or need?

Others seem to do better with this. Maybe it is a maturation issue. Maybe they are more settled into their bones, more aware of themselves and therefore in tune with their needs over the long term. Or maybe they let their perceptions of self drive their existence. If I think I want to run a marathon, I do. Now and forever.

Until recently, the only thing I could truly say about myself is that I was a work in progress. I still am, of course, but not in the same way. Now the progress is more refinement and less epiphany.

Back to lists. Many now have bucket lists developed of things to do before The End. This lady has two lists along that theme, but in a much kinder focus. The 30 before 30 list and the lovely life list.

Making life lovely does involve doing things one enjoys. And sometimes writing those things down is the only way to initiate the action that brings them to fruition. The only way to pour enough light on them to keep us focusing in that direction.

And so. I may try 40 before 40. My lovely list is too nebulous to record here yet. I'm still learning how to act on my own behalf, to make things lovely for me and for my fellow travelers.

Four years and four months. What shall I do?

One Powerful Breath

<p>&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I began going to church, mostly because I decided I should. There was no passion behind it, nor a sense of it as a path to being of service to my community. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;I chose the church where a man I knew from work was the pastor. He was a tremendous example of a living Christian, but not a fiery preacher. One day they held a joint service with another church and their pastor conducted the sermon. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;I don't remember the&amp;#160; point, but his message opened my eyes to the holy spirit. Like so many paths to religion, it confirmed what I felt and therefore drew me in. </p>
<p>The internal voice, the one speaking not from my head or even my heart, but from deep inside my bones - it was the Holy Spirit! For years, from the time I learned to listen, I'd been hearing it resonate from every cell. The voice of my DNA was the Holy Spirit. </p>
<p>For me, this revelation has guided most, if not all, decisions I've made. To find out the Holy Spirit has it's own holiday! I got all excited. Next year I'm having a bug Pentecost party. Christmas, Easter, yeah, they're great, but I can't wait to start my own traditions in celebration of the Holy Spirit.