Wyoming woman wonders

100 pounds

2012-02-09T17:45:00.003-03:30

uplifting

2011-03-06T15:41:00.000-03:30

Before, when I said the word lift I thought about baking soda in cake or egg whites puffed into meringue. Today I think of plastic surgery, of the Total Body Lift, a cosmetic surgery procedure developed to assist those for whom the success of bariatric surgery was only half the battle. All that floppy skin wasn't exactly the reward they had anticipated.

When my journey began I joked that when I hit my target it was straight to the surgeon. Up would go all those parts that prematurely point south. But now, as that day grows near I find myself considering the prospect more carefully.

When I'm done (still 40+ pounds to go) I will have lost over 130 pounds. And this isn't the first time my skin has accommodated that great a change. Between 1998-2000 I lost 122 pounds. Back then I had very young skin that happily stretched and retracted. Apparently that was my free pass. This time around things are going pretty well in the visible places - I even got a compliment about how nicely my face was maintaining its shape - but in the ones that come out in summertime things aren't as rosy.

So I find myself looking inside. Apart from the cost and missed work time, what might be the emotional consequences of such a dramatic surgery? This morning we paused the television on a woman walking along a beach in a bikini.

"I could look like that," I said.

But do I want to? Would it still be me?

"Will you be different?" asked Jack

"Probably."

How can anyone predict what such a transformation might do? Would my head swell and my shopping habits get out of control? Would I try to cash in on the heady times I missed in my 20s? Or would I become supremely self-conscious and tremble under the brand new threat of stares wherever I go?

In the testimonials everyone mentions how great they feel, but I think I might feel false. I already have a strange feeling meeting people for the first time now, in this fairly reasonable body. Like they can't really know me until they know what I looked like a year or two ago.

I feel like I'm 'passing' somehow. It is no longer obvious to the naked eye that I am not 'normal,' not one of them. This feels so odd I imagine I'd feel like I was actively trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes if I had the surgery.

That's how I feel today, anyway; ask me 40 pounds from now. If I've learned anything it is that my emotional reality is shifting as much as my physical one.

Dancing around the room

2011-02-27T15:06:00.003-03:30

This is my second semester of dance aerobics and I'm loving it! I nearly opted out this time since class is in the middle of the workday, but I'm glad I let my arm be twisted. An hour of fun, of playtime injected into a day full of reports and meetings is a great idea.

It takes me back a bit to college when on the rare occasions I had my dorm room to myself I was known to crank up the old radio and dance around the square inch of floor space. In those days it was Garth Brooks and Guns and Roses.

Yesterday, Jack came back from choring to find me in the midst of my Choco Choco routine. Just having a bit of fun. :) These are a few of the songs we've used in my classes. The rest I either can't remember or can't find links for. I had never heard any of them before aerobics. I'm missing out!

Cooler than me (Mike Posner)
Choco Choco (
Prrum (Cosculluela)
Single ladies (Beyonce)
Waka waka (Shakira)
Mercy (Duffy)
Let's Get Loud (Jennifer Lopez)
Don't stop movin (Living Joy)
Fire burning on the dance floor (Sean Kingston)
Cupid Shuffle (Cupid)
Love Like Woe

We no speak Americano: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jrXw97egoM

Chocolate by Soul control: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZhOD_wadyc

Boom boom pow by black eyed peas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m48GqaOz90

Say hey (I love you) by Michael Franti: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KSMG8mCzN8

DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again by - Usher ft. Pitbull -: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBhj-Tv4WHI

Baby by Justin Bieber: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4

Despicable Me Theme Song - Pharrell Williams: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axbUCR1nKRA

Of course, most of the rest of the songs are Zumba routines, few of which I understand but are very fun nonetheless. Here's a couple:
Los Campeones De La Salsa
Pa la discoteka a bailar

The whole playlist from youtube:

Gaining to lose

2011-02-24T09:56:00.000-03:30

There is that saying that you have to lose something to gain something. Sacrifice is required. You must spend money to make money. It seems this applies in weight loss as well.

This semester I began with dance aerobics/Zumba twice per week. I felt great during the week but missed it tremendously between Thursday and Tuesday. A friend at work had been doing weight training last semester and offered to help me get started. So Monday and Wednesday is 10 minutes of cardio warm-up, 20-30 minutes of circuit training on various machines and 100 situps on the balance ball.

Last Saturday I added the newest element, horseback riding lessons. I rode long enough to bruise my inner thighs and ignite my enthusiasm.

A man I work with greeted me the other day by saying I needed to stop losing weight. It's true; I feel amazing and even "svelte," as another friend calls me. That is, until I ask my body to really do things, to truly engage. I walked over the weekend for 2 or 3 miles up and down some small hills but I had to stop a couple of times. Of course the same walk a year or two ago would have been as stop-start as a teenager in a stick shift. Back then I was proud of myself just for trying. But now it annoys me.

My expectations have risen. I expect to be able to do things. I plan to hike Mt. Katahdin this fall and that will be an elevation gain of 3,000-4,000 feet in 7 miles or so and this will be up and back in one day.

After my lesson on Saturday I realized I have been on a plateau not only of weight loss, but of effort in general. I was complacent, happy with where I was. Well, I've enjoyed it and now it is time to climb the next set of stairs.

There are new muscles in there. I can feel them. They are tight and sore. The scale agrees. Instead of losing weight, I'm gaining. But my body feels good. I can feel the minute changes under the skin. All in all, I'm willing to gain. That muscle will do double-duty for me and best of all, I'll be able to do things!

Butterflies

2011-02-23T01:18:00.000-03:30

I am excited to see the bruises emerge. Just like I am excited to see the veins pop and the bones protrude.

These things remind me that I am. That this being is a body.

Nine or ten years ago, during one of my stays at Bev's, she told me I needed to be human, to embrace the human experience. This infuriated me. Absolutely sent me over the edge into a full-on temper tantrum.

I did not have to be human. I was above that. I could rise above the base emotions, I had no need to experience anger, passion or to become so excited I risked being hurt. I understood it, I could explain it. I did not need to feel it.

And now, lo these many years later I am feeling it. And enjoying it. Finally I understand that being human isn't about descending into a mired pit but opening to the expanse. I am nearly to the place where I can imagine running just for fun. To feel the wind, the rush, to push your heart into being so very alive.

Which begs the question, if I am now alive, what was I then? No secret, really. A sketch. A draft. After 30 years I have begun to press firmly on the lines. Some small ones may actually be inked in. And now I see the artist reaching for the ink. To color me into something bright, something to draw your attention. Someone to tell a story.

It is as though I have protected myself like coated paper. Instead of accepting who I am and embracing it I've maintained the veneer of a dry erase board, never committing to anything.

Yesterday I took my first English riding lesson in Wyoming. The saddle, the horse, the trainer, the barn - it was all perfect. I have the rush of inspiration fluttering my focus away.

The next step is to swallow, square my shoulders and 'gird my loins' as they say. Fear keeps the butterflies from landing. Without it, inspiration would lead to action and I would have done something already.

Maybe all I can ask is baby steps. For the fluttering to last for a shorter time. To prevent those instances when they were never allowed to land and simply flew away.

Inspiration. Creativity. Discipline. Courage. Action. A recipe for being human. Anyone know where I can buy some of the ingredients?

Know thyself! A maxim as pernicious as it is ugly. Whoever observes himself arrests his own development. A caterpillar who wanted to know itself well would never become a butterfly. ~Andre Gide

On becoming lithe. With a little lathe here and there.

2011-02-16T07:39:00.000-03:30

First, let me say I ate enough for a family of four for dinner last night. I was starving. When I get like this, watch out. Jack is a mere nibbler compared to my ravenous self. In my defense, or at least by way of explanation, I had eaten only an apple, a banana and some almonds during the day, which included an hour of high-impact aerobics (and eight hours of sitting at a desk, but still).

Anyway, in other news I feel great. Zumba is so much fun (I love that my mother discovered it before I did) and a friend has been taking me to the college fitness center twice a week, too. I have high hopes of starting riding lessons this weekend and I expect will fully kick my butt.

Again I wish someone had told me about exercise. About the mental flush. For Valentine's Day I got an espresso machine and have been indulging frequently. I learned my limit yesterday, however, when I arrived at work in a trash can and commenced to grouch for the next five hours. Until aerobics. Suddenly the world was livable again, the people in it compatriots instead of nuisances.

I am still so aware of crossing the threshold during exercise, the one I used to avoid so carefully. The one of true exertion, of fully inhabiting the body and manipulating it. The sense of power is palpable; I am consistently surprised at how much more balance this brings to my life. For 33 years my brain was in charge. I like putting it in the backseat - or even the trunk - once in a while.

Unfortunately, I have spent most of those 30 years completely understanding this and yet completely unable to do anything about it. I hate reading about the epiphanies people have about themselves and the empowering effects of getting healthy without a frank discussion about how they broke through the veil of paralysis.

For me, the paralysis was about fear. I have spent 10 years working on letting go of many generations worth of fear and becoming more empowered through energy balancing and other holistic medicine. [My teacher has a new website: http://healthyawakenings.com]

I almost wrote that it gave me my life back, but I'm not sure I ever had it in the first place. It cleared the way for me to have a life at all.

After 10 years of clearing that overgrown landscape it was finally possible to build some fences (aka boundaries) so I stop inviting everyone else's emotions over for long-term stays. Their emotions were keeping me pinned to the couch.

Again, I didn't do it on my own. My friend Annalaiya makes the most potent custom flower-essences blends I've ever known. My husband is as much a new man as a I am a new woman thanks to her and her blends.

These things set the stage for the naturopath to come in and clear some rocks from the ground and hoe some rows for successful growth. He worked on the chemistry and biology of my digestion and made it possible for me to have a whole new relationship with food.

The things I had been eating, the things I relied on for emotional sustenance (physical sustenance was never a question; I was in my thirties before I ever felt hunger) - these things were also keeping me pinned to the couch. Sugar, starches, more sugar. Sugar and fat. My best friends. They were actually gang members conspiring to do little more than make sure I stuck with them.

Removing some key things from my diet (sugar, gluten, dairy), adding a few supplements and including some alternative therapies carried me over the threshold to my new home. A place with a fireplace that burns in my lower chakra (though I have to remember to stoke it). It needs work - a lot of work - but at least there is a structure. I am so immensely grateful for all the people I've been led to along this journey and wish the same for everyone.

May we all accept the teachings offered us in a perfect manner according to the Divine plan. Amen.

Yesterday's excess

2011-01-22T17:48:00.000-03:30

Seven pounds down this week. Living fully inside the visualized slim, strong body. Major release the other night. Burned lots of inner baggage and lit up the power core to burn the fire strong. Wish we had aerobics every day. Never thought I'd say that!

It has been 16 months since I've had any sugar. It doesn't seem weird that I don't eat it anymore; what seems so foreign is that everyone else still does!

Clogged with yesterday's excess, the body drags the mind down with it. ~Horace

I'm melting!

2011-01-20T23:19:00.001-03:30

195

2011-01-20T23:15:00.000-03:30

Food, as I've mentioned before, is very important to me. For years and years I had to have a backseat full of snacks for any road trip over three hours. We quit that habit a couple of years ago when we discovered that eating so frequently sent Jack into hiatal hernia hell and he spent the ride from Nebraska home thinking he was about to die.

Apparently, some other habits have changed as well. I looked at our cupboards tonight and it hit me: I've become the house I hated. As a teenage babysitter I ranked my favorite families by the quality of their food selection. The chocolate ice cream house was the best. The grape popsicle house was OK. The organic cookie house was not very much fun at all, and the house I liked least was completely devoid of anything worth eating.

Kind of like mine is now.

In the fridge the offerings include a pile of tupperware containing the following masses of leftovers: misir watt (lentils), brown rice, black beans, baked beans with potatoes, red cabbage and pork chops;
eggs, condiments, peanut butter, meat, peppers, spinach, milk and V8.

In the cupboard, it gets worse. There is popcorn, which is promising, but not microwave popcorn. You'd have to know how to actually pop it on the stove. There are cans of beans, bulk arborio rice, a can of tuna, bulk tamari almonds, sesame oil and sardines.

My inner 16-year-old cringes. My current-age self is oh-so-satisfied.

PS: God is very good to me. I spent two weeks eating three dinners and therefore, lost no weight. The day after aerobics started, poof there went 2 pounds. A week later, another 2. Yahoo!!

Buck 99!

2010-12-02T22:30:00.003-03:30

I took so long to write this post that it is out of date already! I typed the title last night, two days after seeing that lovely slender single 1 at the front of my weight. 199.5. W-O-W. I cannot remember the last time I weighed less than 200 pounds. 8th grade? Maybe?

My gym teacher that year tried so hard. They all did. Mrs. Gorman, starting in 3rd grade, Mr. Cormier in middle school, looking for ways to get me and the 2 or 3 others like me active, feeling strong. We were pulled out of class for situp races, attempts to do pull ups.

The worst day of the year was Presidential Fitness Day.

Normally, I could distract people (or so I believed) with my wit, intelligence and eagerness to please. But one day a year, all my failings were on display. How many pull-ups can you do? 0. If none, how long can you hang? 3 seconds. How long does it take you to run a mile? Run? I can't even walk a mile. Every year I developed excruciating leg cramps and couldn't either start or finish. Mr. Cormier gave me disbelieving looks, as I would have in his place, but the crazy thing is that I really did have debilitating leg cramps all through those years. I'd cramp the night before and barely be able to walk the next day. Tightly wound much?

Only now has physical activity reached over the cold war divide and tried to become my friend. I feel a bit like I am Reagan, however, and instead of being nice, affable Gorbachev, exercise is more like Breshnev or Putin. Luring me in.

"I wish someone had told me; I said to Jack the other morning after a half-hour on my treadmill, "Everyone always talks about how good exercise is for you, blah blah blah, great skin, toning, heart capacity, etc. But no one ever told me it was good for my mental health. That it kicks out all the anxiety and flushes the knots from my system. I wish I had known!"

Of course, no one I knew exercised. While in college I spent Thanksgiving with a new friend's family. After eating we went for a leisurely hike in the woods around their home. A revelation! Immediately I tried implementing this wonderful new habit in my family. Ha! We are of the sit and smoke ilk, not the trekking with sticks folk.

Somehow here I am, in this place where I have less than 50 pounds to lose. My BMI calculator still lists me as obese, as does the giant impression my butt makes on the edge of the bed, but living people tell me how skinny I am. In aerobics yesterday (how weird to say that), I looked in the mirror and saw chicken legs! To satisfy my BMI, I have 39.5 pounds to go. I'd like to lose 48. Being 150 pounds has been such an impossible dream my whole life. That, and wearing a size 10.

The transition from girl's clothes to women's clothes was one of those moments in life when you didn't see the Mack truck coming. I expected that although I had outgrown all the girl's things I would begin again as tiny in the women's things. That you went from 16 in girls to 2 in women's. Made sense to me. But no, the first pair of shorts I got as a 10 year old were size 12. I was devastated. There was no hiding place for me down there. I was big, even for a woman.

And here I am, closing in on those days again. But this time from a different place, a different state of mind. I am peeling layers, revealing my strength and connecting to my source, to my inner power. It is emotional and scary, but I have been inducted into the trekking with sticks clan and am hoping the specter of physical activity slowly fades from Breshnev into Mr. Rogers. Won't you be my neighbor, exercise?

CURRENT WEIGHT: 198.5

Perspective

2010-11-06T20:12:00.002-02:30

I've gone from feeling ecstatic that I have bones (ribs! a collarbone! hip bones!) to focusing once again on the burbles of flesh left. There are the rolls I can pull from my stomach, the flaps under my arms, the dangly bits of thigh.

An elderly lady friend stopped me the other day to tell me she has been meaning to tell me that of all the people she has known who have undergone dramatic weight loss, my skin is the tightest. I was surprised, though after reflection, I realized that all most people see is my face and that, indeed, has done very well.

The other parts, the ones hidden from the outside world for another good six months, aren't bouncing back as quickly. When I see the wrinkles on my inner thighs I flash first to my mother, since these are how I remember her thighs, and second, to a conversation I had in sixth grade.

I had noticed that when I put my ankle on my opposite knee to cross my legs I had stripes in my skin. I was amazed and pointed out this discovery to my friend, Sarah, who was sitting next to me in band.

"Those are stretch marks," she said, apologetically, and turned back to her music. Needless to say, I flew my foot back to the floor and flushed my embarrassment into my clarinet.

Only now does it occur to me to wonder how on earth she of the giraffe nickname, she the descendant of two of the gangly-folk clan, she could have known about stretch marks. Especially before I, descendant of the can't-leave-your-room obese kind, did.

So here I am, becoming more and more familiar with the impulse that I imagine drives anorexia. Wanting to control, wanting the external image to be perfect. Wanting no one to notice any faults. Never quite being perfect enough.

I celebrate that I have the ab muscles to do the hula hoop and high kicks. I honor that I can see air between my thighs, something I have never-ever, even as a teenager, been able to do. I am overjoyed that I can use my left hand to unclasp my seat belt when I drive in my driveway. That I prefer to take the stairs. These things do still make me marvel. But yet. But yet.

There is also the conversation I recall from around the same time, the one with my aunt. The context is fuzzy and unimportant anyway. To her, it was a funny story. Perhaps I had asked about my father's grandmother. What she looked like, what she was like. What I got was a hearty laugh.

"Well, she was a big woman and when she got old, her flat breasts hung below her waist and bugged the heck out of her. So she rolled them up and tucked them under her arm."

I still shudder.

on hobbies

2010-10-25T09:10:00.003-02:30

It occurred to me the other day that I have few or no hobbies. In declaring loudly a few months ago that if I ever attempted to sew again, all friends and family should hold an intervention, I officially denounced that excruciating pursuit. My horseback riding days are long past and hopefully coming soon, but are not in the NOW. Playing with my animals is a fun pastime, but a pretty passive activity. They romp, I observe. I used to bake, but those days are over.

Today, it seems, my hobby is my health. What to eat, what kind of exercise to engage in, weighing myself, writing about my weight-loss journey.

When I realized this, the fear was pretty quick to slice into me. If it is a hobby, then it follows that it can fall out of favor, slip from fashion, be replaced with something a bit more slick and shiny.

My hope is that what I've been engaged in this past year is not a passing fancy, but shifting into a new gear, perhaps even replacing the transmission so this vehicle never again slips out of gear into neutral. Perhaps once this shift is solid I will be free to explore new hobbies.

Maybe that time is now. And that is why I am sitting with a laptop at 5am. Maybe this will be the year that novel finds its way out.

11 in 11

2010-10-23T18:12:00.003-02:30

1. Climb Mt. Katahdin
2. Hike to Bomber Falls
3. Take riding lessons
4. Write a novel draft
5. Attend Jackson Hole Writer's Conference
6. Buy a house
7. Eat our chickens
8. Go to the Common Ground Fair
9. Wear size 12
10. Finish denim curtain
11. Write a letter a month. At least.

Graph of March-October weight loss

2010-10-23T13:24:00.001-02:30

almost there!

2010-10-23T13:13:00.000-02:30

WOW

2010-10-23T11:23:00.002-02:30

I've developed the habit of weighing myself constantly; totally against the advice of all those who advise us about how to lose weight. But I've become a firm believer in this: weigh yourself constantly and pick the lowest number. You'll feel better.

This week, though; I've been avoiding that white slice of truth on the bathroom floor. Instead of greeting it with excitement, I've been pretending it was part of the floor. For two weeks we have been driving to see specialists. I've missed most of my exercise classes and have been shoving food in my mouth at every available opportunity. Not a recipe for successful weight loss. Plus, I felt weighed down. So, I left well enough alone. I just wasn't ready to see the same red numbers I'd past long ago.

But this morning I decided it was time to face the music. I did my business, tossed the heavy bathrobe on the counter, stepped out of my slippers and stepped up to the plate. 201.5!!

"WOW."
"WO-OW."
"WOW!"

I was floored. I'd LOST weight. Instead of 207, 209 or even 210, like I had been expecting, the digits were in a totally different order. I had to step off and get on again to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. WOW. Not sure how this happened (soup?) but I'm grateful!

Update: 101 things to do in 1001 days

2010-09-02T23:48:00.004-02:30

9/1/08-5/30/2011
Bold=done

TO DO:

For me:
Take an art class
Take a writing class (12/10/08)
Unblock creativity
Walk 10 miles per month (19/330)
Try insulin resistance diet for two weeks (5 months as of Jan 2010)
Swim at least once per month (9/33)
Have a massage once a year (0/3)
Have acupuncture once a year (20/3)
Submit something for publication
Hike the desert side of Sinks Canyon (8/29/10)
Go snowmobiling in Wyoming
Go horseback riding 8 times (8/8)
Clean out clothes twice a year (5/5)
Organize my earrings
Learn a magic trick
Buy some art (12/7/08 - Christmas present from Jack)
Go to ACRL (attending virtually)
Watch Casablanca
Get a tribal lands pass
Journal every week's events (15/142)
Participate in a local walk/run event
Spend less than 5 hours a day on the computer including work
Take a picture of myself once a month (33/33)
Blog once a week (19/142)
Get a pedicure every Spring (2/2)
Go to church once a month (7/33)
Hike to the falls (June 2010)

For us:
Take Sluggo to obedience class
Help Jack record at least five poems (2/5)
Ride into the wilderness
Fly over the Wind Rivers
Create a calendar with all relevant birthdays on it
Draft a 'what if one of us dies' plan with Jack

For the house:

For the planet:
Replace light bulbs with better ones
Attend farmer's market
Post something on freecycle
Give blood

TO GET:
Get a laptop
Get an mp3 player
Get wireless headphones
Get new sneakers

TO GIVE:
Choose 10 Christmas presents from Etsy
Tithe to charities once per month (2/33)ie, food bank, Grady Grossman school, One Stop Center
Have Jenna overnight every 6 weeks (4/25)
Write four letters to Kimmy
Write to Hailey and Cole four times each(3/8)
Write Christmas letters (1/3)
Send birthday cards
Make a blurb cookbook for Jack (he doesn't want one)
Buy Christmas presents for children in need
Update Jack's website (he doesn't want to)
Make a family tree for Adam's family
Support Kimmy monthly (10/15)

TO VISIT:
Attend a play (Church Basement Ladies with Anne)
Visit the Nicolaysen Museum
Visit the Wildlife Art Museum
See a friend outside of work once per month (9/33)
Visit Maine twice (2/2)
Go to the Buffalo Bill Historical Center (2/14/09)
Have Jack and Robin over
Go to Kansas City 3 times (3/3)
Celebrate a wedding anniversary at the Old Faithful Inn
See Maggie
Go to Moccasin lake

TO MAKE:
Make an afghan (in process)
Make Ciara a quilt (12/25/09)
Make a photo calendar
Frame 4 of my photos
Put family photos up(2010)
Write a short story
Finish the mystery novel
Fill one notebook per month (0/33)
Make braided rug kit

TO PAY:
Pay off the dentist
Save a quarter a day (3/1001)
Pay off F&M
Build $1,000 emergency fund
Sell something on ebay for everything I buy there (0/3)
Stay current on bills
Bring lunch to work 3x week (9/426)

Letting go

2010-08-21T18:36:00.001-02:30

Strong lines

2010-08-21T18:22:00.005-02:30

"It was as if she were more certain. If someone were sketching her they would use clear, strong lines, whereas before they might she used faint marks and more shadowing. She was like a fossil that's been cleaned and set so everyone can see what it is." - Tracey Chevalier from Remarkable Creatures

This is me now. Amazing. The image I expect to see in the mirror is more like this, me of May 2009.

WAHOO! FIFTY pounds gone

2010-07-04T12:01:00.001-02:30

50

I carried in a fifty-pound bag of feed yesterday to note the difference. I am SO glad to not have to do THAT anymore.

Trying to remember to celebrate and not simply zone in on the next goal...

So close!

2010-07-02T12:02:00.001-02:30

Sugar/dairy-free milkshake

2010-05-01T15:02:00.000-02:30

Frozen banana, coconut milk, tsp erythritol, drop vanilla, 1/4 tsp cinnamon. Yum!

Shifting gears

2010-04-20T10:24:00.002-02:30

It is funny; every time I am undergoing a significant shift I imagine I am on a lonely journey through to my personal highest self. Then - without fail - I get a newsletter email from Sarah Winslow outlining how just about every client she has is undergoing the same shift. Amazing.

The shift this week is about transitioning from being OK with authenticity to building strength. Of course, I am not done with authenticity yet. This seems to work more like dominoes where one lays atop the other than checkers where you get to move to a whole new square with each move.

Only 8 more pounds until goal #1 is met. I'm considering it my reward challenge. On the reward table are a party, new haircut and a giant bouquet of flowers. I'm giving myself until May 15 to hit the bell. Forty-two pounds down. Eight more to go (for now).

There are many more to go, of course, but we have to focus on the small triumphs. In fact, I'm trying even harder to focus on those eight pounds ever since hearing that someone I know who wore the same size I did has already dropped to 170. I am still at 227.

Harrumph.

This jealousy has me flummoxed, though; it is as though I have cornered the market on weight loss success and anyone else's success somehow subtracts from mine. My, my, we have a long way to go, don't we, self?

Skinnier and skinnier

2010-04-18T16:59:00.002-02:30

Eat local? Or is that loco?

2010-04-18T12:28:00.003-02:30

I just finished "Plenty," by Alisa Smith and JB McKinnon, who created the 100-mile diet concept. I didn't know this when I found the book, but found it because it was mentioned as similar to Animal Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, which got me all fired up last year.

We feel a bit more prepared to garden this year, though the idea of eating locally is daunting. Especially since local will have to stretch to 200 miles at least. Maybe 500. That would get us to Salt Lake and Denver, where we might have some luck. But how often will we realistically make it there?

Also, all that traveling to get food takes away from time growing things here in our own garden. A dilemma.

So far, the plan includes wheat grown here on the ranch (though we don't yet know how we'll grind it), cheese from Star Valley cheese, veggies from local growers (soon!)and our own harvest, fruit from Lander orchards and Rasberry Delight farms, wine from the Irvin winery on Webbwood Road, eggs from our chickens and meat from here on the ranch.

Me: "You'll have to go fishing."
Him: "No, I'll have to go catching."

Facebook, or the past relived

2010-04-17T13:38:00.002-02:30

This is me just days before graduating from high school, 16 years ago. If I wasn't then, I was close to reaching my all-time high weight, 332 pounds. At five-foot, seven inches tall, that is five pounds for every inch or 60 pounds for every foot. That would be like a 12"-long baby weighing SIXTY pounds. This picture lasted for at least another three more years, until my junior year of college.

Memories. Thanks, facebook.

The courage to relate

2010-04-17T12:47:00.003-02:30

I feel different and need to remember that the red numbers on the scale are not validation. Those less easy to measure feelings are the mile markers. My limbs move more freely, more like tentacles than stumps. Food is nourishment, not solace. When my husband hugs me, it is my core he is touching instead of my shell.

It is as though as this season switches from winter hibernation to the rush to life that is Spring I, too, am awakened. I am very aware of my root; instead of maintaining a solid barricade there I now remind myself to stoke fires and keep energy moving.

This is the Source; connecting to it bridges me and my life to all that I eat, experience and love. It is engagement and exchange. Finally I taste the courage of relationship.

The edge of the plateau

2010-04-08T10:29:00.001-02:30

The weight-loss drought is over! After months of nearly nothing, I've dropped five pounds THIS WEEK. Finally!!

Which is nice, especially combined with the shocked look on the faces of friends I hadn't seen in a while yesterday. They weren't just pleasantly surprised, they were dumbfounded. It feels great!

weight: 229.5 (40 pounds down since September 7, 2009. 5 pounds since March 31, 2010)

Money comes frequently and easily

2010-01-21T21:36:00.001-03:30

Oh how it does. Nice big UNEXPECTED check arrived today. THANK YOU.

32 pounds

2010-01-21T11:08:00.003-03:30

The real news is some form of exercise happening here for the last 11 days out of 21. More than half! :)

Visual record

2010-01-10T15:18:00.003-03:30

August

January

Into the future!

2010-01-10T15:12:00.002-03:30

I started in early September. After seeing Julie and Julia, specifically the poster "Do You Have What It Takes?", I refocused my efforts and began in earnest on the path to the future I want. With the help of Dr. Conard, I dropped 20 pounds in 6 weeks.

It has been four months now. This morning marked the official 30-pound mark. A triumph. And now I am going out to buy three 10-pound bags of flour.

Emerging

2010-01-10T15:11:00.002-03:30

22 pounds

2009-03-21T17:27:00.002-02:30

I stopped really paying much attention at the end of January, no longer tracking what I eat or how much I exercise. Motivation circled the drain and vanished. Partly because I was very frustrated at the unmovable plateau and the difficulty of returning to my exercise routine after Christmas.

Of course, I've avoided the scale.

This morning I climbed on and noted I've somehow lost 2 more pounds, down to a grand total of 22 since October.

I'll take it.

10 pounds!

2008-11-29T13:58:00.002-03:30

I forgot to weigh myself before coffee this morning, so the 10 pounds off even reflects the weight of two giant cups of coffee. And two days after Thanksgiving! Feeling really great. Even ate 2 cookies last night without craving more. Made a total of 4 batches of cookie dough. Baked off some samples for Jack, but made them small and I didn't even finish either cookie, I just wanted to taste.

Felt my throat chakra open this morning, which has been a goal for about a year now. Very excited about that as well.

Feeling festive today - decorating and building fence. Put up the tree yesterday and decorating it today. LOVE long weekends!!

Here's what I look like now:

8 pounds in 5 weeks!

2008-11-26T12:40:00.004-03:30

Really feeling great. Renewing relationship with collarbone, hip bones, ribs. Occasionally feel vulnerable, exposed, having bones so close to the surface, as if someone could break them, but my core has heated up to melt off the excess. Watched Biggest Loser last night. One woman lost 10 pounds in ONE week. I have no idea how that is possible.

Home all day. Nibbled WAY too much, BUT finished the day off with the longest treadmill session ever. And I wasn't even connecting the two. I just wanted to go for two miles on an incline. 62 minutes and I am psyched. My knees are a little sore, but I was not ridiculously out of breath at all. I kept it slow to make sure I'd get there. Someone commented we might go back to Washakie Falls in the Spring and I want to be ready. A mile here and there won't cut it.

I plan to look much different the next time we do this:

Me, Carlie and Jackie, mid-hike. October 3, 2008

Invented new dessert today with my new best friends stevia and cool whip.
Add cinnamon, nutmeg and stevia to raw pumpkin. Stir. Fold in cool whip to desired consistency. Yum.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm not worried at all. We are headed to the mountain with a Dutch oven dinner and a romantic meal that cooks while we hike and cut down our Christmas tree. Life is good.

Galvanizing, 555

2008-11-08T12:14:00.003-03:30

I can't believe how excited I am. I love getting on my treadmill, finding creative ways to eat well and feeling liberated from the prison of compulsive eating. My compulsion now is reading weight loss tips and success stories online. I feel vibrant, happy to meet the scale and energized to meet life's challenges. I am so glad I asked Annalaiya for a blend to help me over the hump. It is making all the difference. I look forward to meeting my bones and true frame. It is like encountering family I've never seen before!

Cory to come

2008-11-07T23:24:00.014-03:30

101 things to do in 1001 days

2008-09-22T12:58:00.030-02:30

9/1/08-5/30/2011
Bold=done

TO DO:

For me:
Take an art class
Take a writing class (12/10/08)
Unblock creativity
Walk 10 miles per month (19/330)
Try insulin resistance diet for two weeks (5 months as of Jan 2010)
Swim at least once per month (9/33)
Have a massage once a year (0/3)
Have acupuncture once a year (20/3)
Submit something for publication
Hike the desert side of Sinks Canyon (8/29/10)
Go snowmobiling in Wyoming
Go horseback riding 8 times (8/8)
Clean out clothes twice a year (5/5)
Organize my earrings
Learn a magic trick
Buy some art (12/7/08 - Christmas present from Jack)
Go to ACRL (attending virtually)
Watch Casablanca
Get a tribal lands pass
Journal every week's events (0/142)
Participate in a local walk/run event
Spend less than 5 hours a day on the computer including work
Take a picture of myself once a month
Blog once a week (32/142)
Get a pedicure every Spring (2/2)
Go to church once a month (9/33)
Hike to Popo Agie falls (June 2010)

For us:
Take Sluggo to obedience class
Help Jack record at least five poems (3/5)
Ride into the wilderness
Fly over the Wind Rivers
Create a calendar with all relevant birthdays on it
Draft a 'what if one of us dies' plan with Jack

For the house:
Insulate the wall
Hang curtains in bedroom
Get an alternative heat source
Plant lupines
Plant delphinium
Plant columbine
Move irises
Make/get a headboard
Grow herbs in the kitchen
Replace carpet
Replace linoleum
Vaccuum once a week (3/142)

For the planet:
Replace light bulbs with better ones
Attend farmer's market
Post something on freecycle
Give blood

TO GET:
Get a laptop
Get an mp3 player
Get wireless headphones
Get new sneakers

TO GIVE:
Choose 10 Christmas presents from Etsy (3/10)
Tithe to charities once per month (2/33)ie, food bank, Grady Grossman school, One Stop Center
Have Jenna overnight every 6 weeks (4/25)
Write four letters to Kimmy
Write to Hailey and Cole four times each(6/8)
Write Christmas letters (2/3)
Send birthday cards
Make a blurb cookbook for Jack (he doesn't want one)
Buy Christmas presents for children in need
Update Jack's website (he doesn't want to)
Make a family tree for Adam's family
Support Kimmy monthly (10/15)

TO VISIT:
Attend a play (Church Basement Ladies with Anne)
Visit the Nicolaysen Museum
Visit the Wildlife Art Museum
See a friend outside of work once per month (9/33)
Visit Maine twice (2/2)
Go to the Buffalo Bill Historical Center (2/14/09)
Have Jack and Robin over
Go to Kansas City 3 times (3/3)
Celebrate a wedding anniversary at the Old Faithful Inn
See Maggie
Go to Moccasin lake

TO MAKE:
Make an afghan (in process)
Make Ciara a quilt (12/25/09)
Make a photo calendar
Frame 4 of my photos
Put family photos up (2010)
Write a short story
Finish the mystery novel
Fill one notebook per month (0/33)
Make braided rug kit

TO PAY:
Pay off the dentist
Save a quarter a day (3/1001)
Pay off F&M
Build $1,000 emergency fund
Sell something on ebay for everything I buy there (0/3)
Stay current on bills
Bring lunch to work 3x week (9/426)

My daybook

2008-09-21T19:41:00.003-02:30

I am wearing My favorite jeans, a black top and ratty sneakers.

I am reading all sorts of things, as usual. Death du Jour by Kathy Reichs and Finding Your Writer's Voice by Thaisa Frank and Dorothy Wall. Listening to a Laura Lippman.

I am hearing my husband's soft snore and my dog munching.

Learning all the time about embracing my true self.

I am thankful Jack was able to come home for a visit.

I am hoping for a perfect transition into the next phase of our lives.

From the kitchen Jack made the most amazing hamburger buns last night. However (not unfortunately) my kitchen will no longer be housing any grains. I am trying an insulin resistance diet plan. Because my doctor said to and my intuition chorused a big "Hallelujah."

I am creating, period.

Bringing beauty to my home with fresh herbs in the kitchen.

Around the house, we are planning a fall overhaul: Rip out walls, install insulation; rip up flooring and see if we have hardwood floors.

Outside my window the day is clouding. Just like my mood, since I am now counting the hours until I won't see Jack again for a month.

I am thinking about my mother.

A few plans for the rest of the week...None. Write. Plan a new way to eat. Live each day a little more mindfully than the last. Maybe do some laundry. :)

Meme

2008-07-07T01:58:00.002-02:30

1. What did you do 10 years ago?
I had just graduated from college and was falling in love for the first time. I know I wore my favorite white blouse for our first date, but I can't remember where we went. I was also working 3 jobs that summer before starting grad school.

2. Five items on your to-do list:
- Put pictures up on Jack's website
- Write
- Paint the kitchen
- Dust
- Get off the internet and GO TO BED

3. Snacks I enjoy:
Nuts (I accidentally wrote buts. whoops), apples, ice cream, chips and salsa.

4. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
I have thought this through so many times, with so many levels of money (what would I do with $100,000? $500,000? $10,000,000, etc.), but unlimited dough is the hardest. Once the debts were paid, I'd create charities and HIRE A MAID. Then my husband would reinstate his pilot's license and we'd get a plane. And a house here and one in Maine. Now I will go to bed and dream about this. Wait, one more.

5. Places I would live:
Right now the only place on the list is right where I am. Lucky me.
I probably could adjust to life near either of our families, but life here suits me.
Of course, there is always the stone cottage in Dingle, Ireland.

Blossoming

2007-05-13T19:32:00.000-02:30

I learned a lesson from a tree the other day.

There I was, walking hurridly past, caught up in yet another drama invented by my head on the recurring theme of how my life should be better than it is.

And, as if it were a whomping willow and not the charming little baby apple tree it is, it hit me.

"It'll happen."

I actually stopped mid-stride.

I had actually been pitying the tree as I walked because it is all tied down with ropes and stakes and such, but instead I realized that all this little tree has to do is wait. It is in position, been provided all the tools it needs to survive - no, to thrive. Everything else will just happen.

I grind my mental gears searching for ways to improve my situation and berate myself for wasting time - all for nothing. For all I'm being asked to do, as the tree showed me, is to grow - to take each opportunity offered and keep moving down the path. Right now, all I have to do is wait.

Is there a tree that can help with patience?

WARNING: Whining to follow

2007-05-08T16:17:00.000-02:30

I'm Sick.

That's what I get for being the kind soul who stepped up to take care of two babies this weekend. And cleaning their boogery faces.

And since my brain is barely functioning all of my thoughts are playing out (barely) in front of Shel Silverstein.

Sick
by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

From Shel Silverstein: Poems and Drawings; originally appeared in Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. Copyright © 2003

Except I never get to the "It's Saturday" part. My head is stuck on a horrible list of maladies that seem to grow bigger and more distressing simply by being named.

And oh boy am I whiny. I am even whiny about the fact I have no one to whine to.
My boss is in the midst of a family crisis, my boyfriend is also sick, and my co-workers are ghosts I see only occassionally.

"Hi! You came to see me for a professional visit? Great, sit down and listen to my tale of woe!"

Though I've tried to contain myself, I did actually greet my first appointment of the day with "I'm grumpy."

Seriously. Tres professional, wouldn't you agree?

Perhaps not. But at least I know her pretty well.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

But REALLY I am whiny because I have to go to work. There is no room for sick today. Or this week. It is the busiest time of the year and not only do I have to be at the office and hold in my moans and groans, I have to work a double shift and be professional for an extra SIX HOURS. Blech. The two hours I'm taking off in the morning are so not going to cut it. I predict whininess well into the future.

Especially since this double thing will play out again Thursday and one more time the following Tuesday.

Happy Happy Joy Joy.

T'ya. As if.

More like Grumble Grumble mumble mumble.

I wish my pants would fall down

2007-02-12T19:11:00.000-03:30

I bought a treadmill last weekend. I have owned it now for nine days. I have been on it ...uh, I'll be generous and say three times.

My pseudo granddaughter was on it more Saturday alone than I have sine we lugged it home (I use "we" euphamistically). Then again, what seven-year-old could resist what is essentially an escalator in your own living room? Even her stuffed puppy took a ride or two.

But I digress.

I also got a fancy gravity lift thingie that is really quite fun. I've been on it, um, say five times. The first time it hurt me. There is a plant on it right now.

This morning I intended to be good (Mondays are just like that)and set my alarm for 5 am. I finally dragged my ass out of that nest of a bed at 7. Then for breakfast my man fixed me giant slices of french toast (with the bread he made yesterday) slathered in syrup.

In the midst of another child emergency at lunch today, I scarfed a bowl of honey-nut cheerios. We're on a carb roll now!

Later the inevitable carb overload - I want to eat my arm - hunger kicked in and I ate what was supposed to have been my lunch in the first place - a nice, healthy Kashi frozen meal (Lemon Rosemary Chicken). It was yummy, but still not enough so I continued on with the yogurt and the carrots and everything else in sight. Because what I really want is chocolate and damn if I don't wish I hadn't discovered the vending machine down the hall with its siren chorus of kit-kat, reeses and snickers voices.

Because I know I will go home and eat what my man has lovingly fixed for me, which will inevitably be fried and accompanied by potatoes, probably also fried.

I'm doomed.

Full moon part 2

2007-02-02T23:46:00.000-03:30

Today was a big day. Groundhog day and all. Our local prairie dog may or may not have seen her shadow this morning. It matters not. At the time she deigned to look it was around twenty below zero. Spring ain't comin' any time soon, that's fur shur!

BRR!

It was also a big day because I found myself sitting on a counselor's couch. (Which is WAY comfy. If he wants to get people out of his office on time, he'd better switch.)

The event had been planned for ages as a way for my honey and I to get some perspective on our relationship and some new tools for improved growth. Calling in a specialist to help us clear our garden of rocks, etc.

Well, my man couldn't come. He hadn't slept in nearly 30 hours by the time of the appointment, what with helping baby calves be born and live through the nasty shock of leaving a cozy one-hundred degree nest for negative 30 degree exposure. Poor babies. {I have officially been in Wyoming too long. Or I've officially become a Wyomingite. What's with the "what, with helping"? What happened to my grammar??}

So anyway, I went on my own, which turned out really really well. It was supposed to be a consultation to see if the two men could get along (I already knew the counselor). Consultations are normally 15 minutes. My comfy ass didn't shut up for nearly 90. Whoops!

It was a really great conversation and he highlighted for me some of the things I am doing to sabotage my relationship and also my own well-being. Top of the list is feeling the need to carry the responsibility for other people. {That train's leaving the station, so get yur bags and get OFF, other people's crap.}

He also referred frequently to a psychologist named Schnarch, which I have to admit kind of sounded like a dirty word to me at first. But Schnarch's theories are pretty right-on. Basically he says we are defined by our relationships. How we react to them is the primary driver of our own personal growth.

I was also fascinated to hear about the idea that all the self-help talking and reading in the world doesn't do anything. I was surprised at first, but once it sank in it made a lot of sense. Only experiences can really "retrain" our brains. Talk never leaves the cerebral part of the brain where we toss around ideas and think about things. Experience, by contrast, maps how we react to situations and controls what choices we make. Apparently this has all come out of studies of post-traumatic stress disorder. Fascinating.

"Talking will not fix it," says mr. smart man with nice couch.

"Huh," says intelligent, articulate woman sitting on it. "Hmmm. How 'bout that."

He left me with a parting gift: a small business card he clearly keeps handy because there are lots of people like me who are more fragmented than differentiated. Look at me with all the lingo.

So here's the nuggets of wisdom in case you don't get a chance to sit on the comfy couch.

Four characteristics of the differentiated self:

1. A clear sense of self in the presence of the other
2. The ability to regulate one's own anxiety.
3. The ability to remain no-reactive to partner's anxiety.
4. The willingness to tolerate pain for growth.

There ya go! Now go differentiate yur bad selves!

- keepin it real, here in Wyomin'.

the hormone SS

2007-01-17T10:13:00.000-03:30

What exactly are hormones, anyway?

Monday I was bloated - I felt like I wouldn't fit into the seatbelt. That was awful, but yesterday I got worse - I was irritable, antsy, unsatisfied and generally unhappy. I tried to crush those feelings with many cookies and 7&7's, but alas, I awoke this morning with a full-blown revolution going on inside. [Some may blame the sugar for exacerbating the problem, but I'll defend my friendly chocolate chips to the death.]

There I was , laying in bed all snuggly with my honey and totally ready to scream.

I wasn't even awake!

So, I ask - what are these nefarious things that can take over our lives and generally rewire our whole lives for a few days, leaving a trail of emotional flotsam and jetsam to clean up after they say "Bye! See you next month!"?

Who gave them the power anyway?

What did God tell you to do?

2007-01-09T20:17:00.000-03:30

My new hero, Iyanla Vanzant, said God told her to do four things: tell her story, teach His law, write books, and make people laugh. What are you being driven to do?

I once worked with a woman who had struggled against her gift her whole life. It made her very unpopular, she said, even with her family.

What was it?

This woman could cut through BS like no one on the planet. There was no duping her at all. Easy to see how she made people uncomfortable, isn't it? But when we think more globally, people like her are important for society. When we live in our illusions we think we are "greasing the wheels" and making life easier for everyone.

What we are really doing, however, is drawing out an already painful process. Kind of like ripping off an emotional band-aid as slowly as possible. If we all accepted our gifts and refused to be strayed from that path, each and every one of us would benefit. My client's ability to cut through BS, for example, would teach us to stop using it as a tool. We all could use a little less BS in the world, couldn't we?

I'm not sure how Vanzant came up with four, but I'll go with it - four is a pretty powerful number (think squares).

Four things God told me to do:

1. Teach people there is a better way, that struggle is not necessary.
2. Lead a life of health and honor.
3. Go forth into the world with a vision and illuminate that vision with his love.
4. Find solutions to the prickly problems that catch people up and distract them from their paths.

Now, if only I could learn those lessons myself!

Fear factor or T-shirts and dreams

2007-01-09T12:32:00.000-03:30

Whereas some people spend their asleep hours in places from their pasts or in peaceful dreamy activity, I have recurring dreams about espionage. I am the center of some big, dangerous operation that certainly threatens my life and usually all of the people with me.

Last night, I helped retrieve dead bodies from a sketchy prison by climbing through a very Alcatraz/run-down Russian gulag kind of place. Sometimes we were saving a real person, sometimes retrieving the bodies of the honored fallen. Then swoosh! I am in my hometown in a whomping willow-like car chase with my brother's friends, trying to navigate crazy streets. Both times we managed to outrun our potential captors. Phew! No wonder I wake up tired!

Is this all the result of the many, many murder-mysteries I read? Like Robert Parker, Diane Mott Davidson, Katherine Hall Page, Anne Perry, Elizabeth Peters, etc.? (In case you needed some reading ideas.)

Maaaay-be.

But since I was given a dream interpretation book for Christmas and since these dreams are so recurrent, I decided to look them up. Nope, no listing for espionage. Or bodies. There was prison, but it was about being in a prison, bot orchestrating a body break-out. There was also escape and that is where I got in trouble.

The entry for escape is basically one big chastising. If you dream of escaping, you are trying to escape your fears, says Mr. Dream Expert. Who, me? As if I would ever do such a thing (she said in her most innocent, little red robin hood voice.)

Dammit. Even my dreams are calling me on the carpet.

So, what ARE these Fears which I cannot face?

Let's brainstorm, shall we? (If I'm really that unwilling to face them will they come out in a list?)

1. I may have to live the rest of my life without sugar (chocolate)
2. Rejection. Being accepted and loved by well, everyone, is very important to me (says She Who Will Not Ruffle Feathers)
3. Nope, I think #2 is about it.
4. I may never get married
5. I may never be a mother to a child (my horse and kitties don't really qualify)
6. I will never accept my gifts and pass them on
7. I won't ever be able to put on paper what I need to say
8. If I ever do get it on paper, no one will publish or read it
9. I will alienate my family and friends in the process of releasing all this
10. I am a hypocrite, preaching honesty and truth while hiding behind a pleasant smile and chewing on anger and doubt
11. If I ever unlock my voice and start talking I will look like a fool
12. That I will never get through all these fears and let go of it already.

[Note: There is a woman in front of me wearing a shirt that says "His Word is in my heart like a burning fire, shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in, indeed I cannot." Jeremiah 20:9]

For real. There it is, printed on a green tie-dyed T-shirt. That about sums it up. It is starting to hurt to hold whatever is in there in. I need to finish Iyanla Vanzant's book.

laaaaay zeee

2007-01-07T20:34:00.000-03:30

Well, we've certainly observed the Sabbath today! It is 5 pm and I am still in my pajamas! My great cleaning plans were stymied by a broken vaccuum cleaner (in my defense, I was extra-productive yesterday). So it's still cat hair city around here.

In other news, I did in fact *give* the money to my friend and it is all working out swimmingly. She is much relieved and happy and that makes me feel good. Yesterday was spent getting organized and then we had a very nice dinner with friends.

It was a Wyoming-style dinner party - we knew the hosts, but not the other couple who came (though they live two houses down). We were there until 11! It was very nice to just sit around and visit with people. Among the dinner table conversation was ethanol, jewish tradition, and a born-again commune in Waco, Texas. Also rebuilding a CCC bridge near Gannett Peak. We also touched on global warming. It was very relaxed and nice.

wonderment

2007-01-02T23:29:00.003-03:30

So I realized my theme for this blog was to be all the things I wonder about in a day and I've yet to write about one. But nope, this isn't when I start, either.

Also while home in Maine I met with a woman who really made an impression on me. She is not only heartily down to earth (the friend who recommended her said she was more believable with all the four-letter words) and real, she is an inspiration for me.

Courageous. Determined. Imperfect, but doing it already.

"It" is tuning in to all the Divine guidance available to us. It's hard when we are so hell-bent on not listening, so people like this woman do a great service to them and us. I know in my bones I am one of those here to help other people listen better to their own inner guidance, but I've yet to find a way to do it. Scratch that. I've yet to find a way I feel comfortable with, which is very different, isn't it?

Anyway, she told me to get my rear in gear and start writing my book already. Which I've heard a few million times before. But this time it was more defined - with subject clarity and phrased in such a way that I know I cannot wait for lightning to strike. I have this great image of her all scrunched up showing me what it takes to get it done. So, in sum, I am psychically and energetically constipated.

Spiritual laxative anyone?

But seriously, I have a lot inside I need to get out and beyond that, some I just need to share. Duty-bound to do so, even. Like St. Theresa's prayer and 1st Peter 4:10. We have gifts and are here to use them and make the world a better place.

And yes, I watched Pollyanna about 6,917 times.

I still love it.

St. Theresa's prayer

2007-01-02T23:29:00.002-03:30

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you....

May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses.

Cead Mile Failte!

2006-12-20T20:06:00.001-03:30

Or, A hundred thousand welcomes!
When I was 9 years old I started keeping a diary. It was nice and red and probably gingham or something. And the 9-year-old me felt that I was writing to someone other than myself so I began my entries "Dear Zane." Who Zane is or was I have no idea. If I were being perfectly honest, I would admit I believed I would one day be a famous writer and someone would want to read my diaries after I was dead. Like Lucy Maud Montgomery or Laura Ingalls Wilder. Shoot. I'll need three names.
Anyway, my first entry was on Christmas Day (it must have been a present) and I have sporadically written down my thoughts ever since, filling little pink diaries with kittens on them, a sun and moon themed journal, a monet blank book, etc. My current tome is a hot red, beaded number. The situation is not so great, though, as I have nearly as many blank ones sitting on the shelf staring at me as those I have filled with messy handwriting, lists and the occassional dried flower.
But here I am anyway!